Religion and Theology

When my mother gave birth to me, it seemed like I could only contribute to the population growth in Japan. I was quite confused with the real meaning of my existence until I encountered a variety of experiences which have shaped the way I am today. As the youngest in the family, I thought that I exist to bring nothing but problems to my family. But as my love for my family consumed me, and I began to think that I exist because of them.

My earliest memories consisted of my first attempt to walk, failures at school, and petty fights over toys and chocolates with my older sister who is now married. At that time, I thought that I did not have something in my being that I could contribute to the family. My parents named me  Snoopy  because they perceived me as a person with so much information in the head. Whenever I threw tantrums, my parents tried everything to calm me down and they did not even consider scolding me.

As the youngest, I will always be the  baby  of the family. My parents did their best to avoid raising me as a brat, but I as a playful child, I did not know the meaning of being a brat. All I did was play and mingle and make my parents upset over spilled milk (literally), broken toys, and things that I lost at school. I felt that my relationship with my friends, parents, and my older sister was like a role-playing game wherein I was the main actor and they were the ones who would comply with everything I set. When they were not able to give me what I wanted, I whined and cried out loud.

My parents disciplined me so that  I would know the difference between right and wrong. Still, as a child, I never paid attention to what they said. At that moment, I felt like God hated me because I was very self-centered, had a different faith (Buddhism), and always a failure at school and at home. My failures were enough to make God angry and punish me. Yet, my family, friends and peers have been supportive of my difficulties. They tried their best to make me realize that God loves me despite my shortcomings in life. As I grew older, I learned to improve my relationships with my significant others and to identify my place in this world. My relationship with the opposite sex has also improved little by little and my roles in the family have expanded. Each time I see my mother crying or having a big fight with my father, I would be the one to embrace her and tell her that everything will be alright.  I have learned to control my tantrums and to interact with the people around me in a manner that is affirmative and acceptable.

When my older sister got married, it occurred to me that as the youngest, I should be the one to help my family and make them happy at times when they are lonely. Instead of them giving me gifts, I should be the one to give them what they want when I already have a job. It made sense to me that God has reserved a bigger role for me in the family, society, and ministry. Though Gods plans appeared shallow and vague at first, He has set aside bigger responsibilities to me as time passes by.

I have encountered so many difficulties in life. As an exchange student from Japan, living in the United States was a big challenge to me in terms of culture, competition, and lifestyle. Growing up as a Buddhist in the liberated world of America, I have grown accustomed to so many people asking me how it was like being a Buddhist. Finding friends who shared the same beliefs as I had was a difficult for me. Oftentimes, I would find myself alone in the corner asking God why I was here in the United States. Competition at school was also hard for me because of the differences between the education in Japan and in the United States. Most of all, being alone in the US and the long-distance communication with my family added to my burden.

In then ministry (), each time I failed to do my duty, I felt inferior and undeserving of Gods blessings. I felt like I did not measure up to the other members of the community. Each time I was not able to do my responsibilities at home and at school, I felt like I was making my parents lonely and disappointed for failing to meet their standards, and I started to lose my confidence in my abilities.

Those moments of failures affected the way I used to perceive myself as Gods loving individual. But those moments also convinced me that challenges are just challenges that make me a better person. My failures made me realize that everything is not perfect and my ideals are just a dream. My role in the ministry, our family, and the society is a never-ending battle wherein I badly need the support of my peers, and family, and sibling in order to win. The conflicts which I encountered in my life were meant to refine me as a person.

Chapter 3 Ideals
When I was younger, I used to dream of having a superstar mate. I dreamed of a person with perfect skin, perfect nose, and perfect height and weight, and with brains to match the perfection. I also dreamed of having a mate with a mansion at Beverly Hills that owns a Ducati motorbike and a sports car. My ideal mate was someone who never had to go to school and have a 9 to 5 desk job because of his inheritance that is worth a billion bucks.

Growing up in a conservative and middle class family, I realized that my ideal mate reflected my need to fulfill what was lacking in myself and in my life. The events or situations which shaped my concept of an ideal mate were mainly based on the modern societys trends and standards of beauty and perfection. I equated having a fulfilling life with perfection. The popular culture and the liberal society also their own share of impact to the development of my ideals.

In the real world filled with hardships and difficulties, it has been hard for me to negotiate my ideals with the reality.  Everywhere I look, I could see real life couples having the best day of their lives and not minding their own imperfections. At school, in Japan and even in the United States, I could see how true love works beyond beauty and money. In negotiating the real world with my ideal mate, I tried not to forget that there is no such a thing as a perfect mate or perfect couple only real love exists.

When it comes to marriage, my ideal one was the same with my ideal mate. When I was younger, I used to dream of a big wedding attended by celebrities, politicians, and other very important guests. The ceremony would be followed by a grand wedding reception held at some classy hotel where a live band would play. The reception hall would also be decorated with a sophisticated design. Of course, I wanted a wedding to include Buddhist teachings and rituals. After the wedding, the couple would head to their mansion where they would plan everything from their honeymoon up to the number of kids which the couple would like to have.

My ideal marriage was unrealistic because it revolves around material things and does speak of security, love, and harmony. I could say that my ideal marriage was also shallow and deeply rooted in my desire to conform to the societys acceptance of the rich, famous and beautiful. I had tried negotiating my ideal kind of marriage with the real one by looking at my parents and their love for each other.

For me, my parents are the greatest representation of real life marriage because they have encountered various problems that strengthened their relationship. Each time I look at them, I could see that their love for each other is still there. Unlike my ideal marriage, my parents marriage is filled with emotions and feelings other than material things. For them, my sister and I are there greatest treasure.

I see myself as imperfect, so my ideal self is far from the real me. For me, my ideal self should be intelligent, knows many things, friendly, smart, pleasing and more God fearing. Each time I review my ideals, I can sense that I have fallen short of Gods perfection and that I can never compare myself to His other creations because I did not measure up to societys standards of perfection. I should be taller, skinnier, more intelligent, and more talented. But I realized that I overlook my own uniqueness whenever I compare myself with other people and seriously consider the societys ideals as the standard that I should follow.

Accepting myself as I am is so hard for me because I am surrounded with almost perfect people living an almost perfect life in the United States. In comparing myself to those kind of people,I start to think that I do not have the right to be glamorous or to be popular and rich. Negotiating myself with the real world is difficult because of the negative things about my family. Whenever I tried to imagine myself as perfect, my family will come to my mind. I could say that my family is not a picture of harmony where everyone just shares what they have and loves one another unconditionally. As the youngest, I often feel that my parents judge me and my sister on unequal terms. It seemed like there was a sibling rivalry between me and my sister and all that I can do is to sit around the house and comfort myself.

It is hard for me to be compared to other people particularly my sister because we were both unique. Though it seemed difficult for me to understand why this kind of thing had to happen in the family, I know that I need to face it head on. Even with this problem, I know that God is with me always and He is there to prepare us for any challenges of life. My problems and challenges are never enough to destroy my place in Gods ministry because I know that God knows me well. He knows my skills and abilities as well as my weaknesses and strengths.

With all the trials which I have encountered, I know that God is with me till the end. My ministry will help me get through with lifes problems and my family will always be there to support me and give me advice whenever I need one. These trials are just mere negative thoughts that aim to keep me from reaching my goal (Wimberly, 1997). My problems in life do not serve to destroy rather, they are there to help me become strong in fulfilling Gods plan for me and my family.