Religion and Theology

This is a critical look at the counseling theory proposed by Dr. Sandra Wilson about counseling in her book Hurt People Hurt People. It takes a literal look into the Christian perspective on counseling and the hurt people hurt people concept. Her argument is based on the premise that family shapes every aspect of ones life in how children model their parents behavior and how these family relationships can form the basis of our future relationships. An unhealthy relationship breeds formation of unhealthy adult relationships for example in choosing intimate partners in adulthood or the development of a bully mentality. She stresses the cycle of hurt that can be perpetuated from childhood victimization into adulthood (Wilson, 2001, p.124) and, projection of these feelings of hurt onto our loved ones.

THEORY CRITIQUE OF WILSONS HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE APPROACH TO COUNSELLING

Dr. Sandra Wilsons book looks at the cycle of hurt that generates from the unhealthy and hurtful environments that a child can be exposed to and how they can shape future relationships of the hurt person especially when it comes to those we love. The familial system is perhaps the most significant influencer human development and is a source of great focus for many counselors (Eaton, n.d.). She posits that everyone is a hurt person who eventually hurts someone else although those with deep wounds hurt those will inevitably deeply wound another person when he or she tries to function in areas that affect the unresolved hurts, often hurting others more severely than they were hurt (p. 10). Wilson describes these hurts as actions, words, and attitudes that are intentional or unintentional, visible or invisible, hands-on or hands-off, other perpetrated or self inflicted and barely survivable to hardly noticeable (p. 9). These hurts or wounds are characteristically of a physical, sexual, emotional, mental, and verbal nature or constitute spiritual neglect or abuse.

Wilson outlines in her book the assistance and hopes for healing that are available for hurt people in terms of how they can alleviate the hurt they feel and how they can keep from hurting others around them by doing their best as humanly possible and leaving the rest to Jesus (p.14). She outlines areas where people can get hurt and what kinds of people inflict wounds on people. She also covers how to forgive and move on.

Invisible or Unseen Wounds
This is one of the initial wounds Wilson explores. These wounds are often more harmful than those that can be seen and those that can be seen and are as real. The most common unseen wound is binding shame. As she puts it shame is, the soul-deep belief that something is horribly wrong with me that is not wrong with anyone else in the entire world (p. 16-17).  When one is bound by shame they are fooled into believing lies that call their self-worth into question by pervasive, toxic perceptions, choices and relationships. According to Wilson, God can use those hurts to mold a persons character and minister comfort to others by telling the story of Gods life-transforming grace and death transcending power (p.239). These are aspects of our life that provide testimony of Gods impact on our lives and how we can be better Christians by using this hurt for the better. This is done by identifying the wounds and depending on Gods grace to get through it.

Unprepared or Unavailable Caregivers
They impact generations as they dictate how the parent will raise the children and their childrens children. This leads to a lot of frustration on the part of the child as they feel emotionally orphaned (p.38) or they may be forced to take up the adult care giving roles due to absenteeism. The child grows up not to trust and tries hard to prove they are worthy of love and attention (p. 44).

Liars and Thieves
In these families, deception and destruction are the zeitgeist. These families are the basis of feelings of inadequacy, confusion and trust issues for the children as they are used only to meet their parents needs. They may have been subjected to physical, emotional and even verbal abuse perhaps because of the parents substance abuse or issues with rage and depression (p.47).

Childhood Fantasies
Wilson believes children believe they can control the happenings in the world where good warrants good and vice-versa. If this happens to the contrary of the belief they work effortlessly to become good enough to change the outcomes and thus prove their self worth and value and end up trying to rewrite the wrongs by forming adult relationships that are damaging so as to live up to this fantasy life.

Childhood Choices
The child makes choices based on answers to 3 basic questions which she outlines as Can I be safe, can I be me and can I be accepted The responses to these questions affect spiritual, personal and relational decisions we make in our life time (p.73).  The responses are determined by ones  level of safety, security and stability in their family. The child ends up not feeling validated or accepted if these responses are negative which in turn leads to putting up a faade to mask vulnerabilities and needs. The child will therefore be uncomfortable and insecure of what God created them to be and always seek approval from others as well as from God.

Help for Healing Hurts and Self-Inflicted Wounds
This is the step to putting away childhood solutions and seeking the Holy Spirit as our change agent to rid ourselves of past hurt. Tears are shed, it take time and letting go of old ways can be terrifying (p. 96). It also involves acknowledging our hurts and not denying emotions by drowning pain in destructive acts such as gambling, drinking, or drugs.

This can be done by seeking The Holy Spirit and embarking on a life long process of change.

The Process of Change
The change process involves seeking the Holy Spirit first. According to Adams the entire Bible is important in counseling we can neglect no part (1986, p. 55). Secondly, treating the body with like the temple of the Holy Spirit by getting enough sleep, proper nutrition and sufficient exercise and scheduling me time that involves self-care (p. 119-120). Another suggestion in moving forward from hurt is finding a safe place e.g. counseling group or individual therapy to bring healing. Wilsons H.O.P.E charts may be effective in identifying stages of recovery (p.122).

The key steps to forming healthy and safe relationships are to identify and choose the right partner. This means not settling and having self   worth. They involve accepting someone as they are and recognizing  healthy personal boundaries they do not allow everything and everyone in nor build walls that keep everything and everyone out (p. 127). Wilson suggests asking these questions in choosing a partner

If this person never changes, am I willing to spend my life with them
Would I like to become more like this person as he or she is now
Would I want this person the way they are now to be the mother or father of my children
Would I want my children to be just like this person just as he or she is right now (p. 137-138)
In conclusion, these key concepts under Wilsons model of counseling  that inject some spirituality into the therapy process by encouraging us to remember that as hurt people, we can be conduits of comfort to others rings true for me. Adams (1979, p. 133) expresses this sentiment, God delights in turning crosses into crowns, emptying tombs through glorifying resurrected bodies...and transforms tragedies into triumphs.

According to Eaton (n.d.), it is often best to take theories from a wide range of sources and integrating them into a comprehensive and non-contradictory theory. This theory is generally helpful in providing a psychological resolution to childhood scars that may have been repressed, but I find it is important to note they may prove difficult to effect in an atheists view or medical settings since it cannot be reflected in insurance papers but this makes it even more challenging for me as an aspiring biblical Christian counselor.